In order for me to write this article, I’d like to first, share a little of my history: I grew up in Baltimore, the daughter of baalei teshuva parents, immersed in the Litvish Yeshiva/Bais Yaakov system from as far back as I can remember. My foundational belief system was built within the post-Holocaust yeshivish mindset that permeated the 1970s and 80s.
Now, I know not everyone reading this will fully understand what that means, so let me briefly describe the culture—without infusing too much of the personal bias I’ve carried throughout the years, including the 26 years I lived and raised my family in Lakewood, NJ, one of the world’s greatest centers of Torah study.
The yeshivish world emphasizes a deep reverence for tradition, centering around a tight-knit system of Bais Yaakov schools for girls and yeshivas for boys. It’s a culture rooted in Torah learning, modesty, and a strong sense of communal identity. Many of the rules are unspoken but deeply felt with a do-or-die passion that everyone must toe the line. Deviation feels dangerous, and questioning is often frowned upon. There’s beauty in the structure, but there can also be a heaviness, often laced with shame—especially for those who struggle with the chumrahs (stringencies) and restrictions, or have experienced rejection from schools or other groups. The entire lifestyle is internalized to the point that deviation—whether by a spouse, a child, or even within ourselves—can feel like existential failure. For kids who don’t quite fit the mold, forging their own path can feel like heresy—even when it’s just coming from honest curiosity or exploration, or later, from escaping their own pain of judgment and rejection.
Just to be clear, this isn’t a “bash the community” piece. This is about clarity and growth. I’m sharing what I’ve learned from my own, often unnecessarily painful journey in the hope that it sparks some healing, perspective, and maybe even change—especially for those navigating challenging family dynamics within the Orthodox world. I think it’s time to share and shed light on some new ideas on how we can view our increasingly more diverse families in a way that is far more beneficial for our kids and ourselves as parents.
With that being said, one can start to imagine the intense pressure, as a parent to make sure their kids are well accepted within the cultural norms of these communities. But it goes deeper than acceptance…it’s where the shame creeps in, and It’s this shame and suffering that I want to address the most.
On the energetic frequency scale, shame sits right at the bottom—it’s the lowest vibration emotion we can feel, even lower than guilt or fear. It’s the internalized sense that something is fundamentally wrong or bad about us, and that’s what makes it so painful—it disconnects us from our worth, our voice, and our sense of belonging. And make no mistake—shame doesn’t purify, it paralyzes and keeps us from stepping into who we really are. It questions or entire existence and destroys any sense of worthiness we may have. It makes us feel teeny and insignificant, so much so that we’d prefer to disappear and become invisible, or G-d forbid not exist at all. As far as I’m concerned, there should be no system, especially a supposedly holy and spiritually elevated one, that should ever use shame as a tool for enforcing its dogma on society.
And I use the word ‘Dogma’ because I believe that a lot of the social norms of these cultures have, in some instances, moved far away from what Hashem and His beautiful, complex, mystical, deep, and ever flowing Torah intended for us. Although dogma can provide structure and identity, when held too rigidly, it can stifle personal growth, curiosity, and individual thinking—especially when people are discouraged from questioning or exploring beyond the rules.
We are meant to be a widely diverse people, each with our own beautiful talents, strength, weaknesses, challenges, and purpose. There is not only one way to interpret the Torah as it is layered and nuanced and personal to each and every Jew. There is no perfect person, nor should there be any elitist system. We should not be determining who is more “frum” or less, or not at all. No Jew is less important than another, as loving one another as ourselves, and being united as one are some of the most foundational tenets of the Torah. If an action or attitude is the exact antithesis of a powerful Torah tenet, yet it’s fully accepted into the culture to the point that everyone’s afraid to question or stand up against it, we know we’ve gone too far.
And that’s where these wonderful, beautiful children-the ones who we may call the rebels- who ask questions, and go against the narratives that intrinsically feel wrong, come in to play. Did you ever think that their seemingly rebellious behavior and actions may actually be part of Hashem’s master plan of bringing souls into the world to actually be able to see beyond the cultural surface, and correct what has been wrongly embedded deep within, via fear based actions and reactions from years and years of persecution and loss? Maybe these special souls accepted their roles in helping us move back to a more loving, accepting, and uplifting lifestyle that we are meant to live as Orthodox Jews, especially during these healing Messianic times. And like all processes in life, it is only through their mistreatment or hardships that these changes can they be materialized.
Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson has addressed this topic with profound insight and compassion. In his talk titled "It's the Children Who Challenge Us Who Teach Us What Judaism Is," he emphasizes that these children are not to be seen as failures or outsiders, but rather as individuals who can teach us valuable lessons about our faith and community. He suggests that their struggles can highlight areas where the community may need to grow or change, urging a response rooted in love and understanding rather than judgment. You can watch his talks that relate to this topic HERE and HERE.
Avi Fishoff, the founder of Twisted Parenting, emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and acceptance for children who have left the Orthodox Jewish path. He advocates for a compassionate approach, viewing these children not as rebels but as individuals in pain who need support and understanding. Fishoff believes that by embracing these children with warmth and without judgment, parents can create a healing environment that fosters reconnection and growth. His methodology is grounded in Daas Torah and has received endorsements from leading rabbinic authorities, underscoring its alignment with traditional Jewish values. For more insights into Avi Fishoff's approach and teachings, you can explore his YouTube channel HERE.
Moving out of Lakewood (through a series of misfortunes-which of course ended up being total blessings) and living in more diverse communities, was a real wake-up call. After the culture shock wore off, I realized what a breath of fresh air it was to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, in communities that included a much wider range of observance levels and the freedom to be your own individual self in your service to Hashem.
After attending Avi Fishoff’s support groups for several months, our entire family dynamic changed for the better and I was able to see the beauty in the unfolding diversity within my own family. It was only through the healing of my own shame, that I realized how deeply it had affected my own children. Because kids…they feel and absorb everything! When we can finally just accept, and even celebrate ourselves and all of our family members for who they are, we not only heal their suffering, but we also heal our own.
At one point, I decided to have a necklace custom made with 5 diamond stars to remind me how blessed I am to have brought 5 unique and wonderful shining stars into this world. And no one could ever take that perspective away from me. I have been wearing this necklace every single day since then.
I believe it’s time to shed our shame and pain and step into our unique power and calling. For the kids reading this: I hope you know how special and necessary you are to the colorful fabric of our people. You are being called to stand out and make a difference! And for the parents reading this: It’s time to take back our own power from the need to “fit in” or be judged positively by people who are probably not even thinking about you-because they are in their own unseen struggles. Let’s return to the original source of everything we hold to be true and good: Our connection with Hashem and the actual words within the Torah. We need to ask ourselves the basic foundational questions that appear once we shed our egos: How do we think Hashem want’s us to behave toward the souls He entrusted with us? If Hashem created us imperfect and is the one that arranged for our specific challenges, what do we think He’s actually asking of us?
I believe Hashem wants us to love fully, think for ourselves, and stop measuring worthiness by conformity. Each child is a divine spark. They are here, in this generation, to shake us awake, to challenge what’s broken, and to light the path back to a more compassionate, authentic Judaism. Our challenges should teach us to respect each individual’s personal journey by shining our own light as loving, accepting role models, as we are all on the same team, yet meant to be our own unique selves, diverse and united, within it.
And that’s something we can all feel good about!
Practical questions answered:
I don’t really care what people think, but I’m still in so much pain about my kids not following in our ways. How do I deal with it without them feeling my pain and disappointment?
Somewhere along the way you were taught that the only way to be a frum a jew was to live a very specific lifestyle. You were told that it’s the most tragic thing when someone leaves the fold. This belief system is embedded deep inside you. But if you take a step back, and start to look around at the many diverse types of communities and customs within the Jewish world, you will realize that there is not only one way, and that it is in fact not tragic when individuals are searching for a different lifestyle because the current one doesn’t suit them. Different doesn’t me tragic, but the path to get there may be a bit rocky and we as parents need to support and be there for our kids while they’re traveling the road, even if it looks like they’re going the wrong way. Sometimes a person needs to go all the way down to come back up. And even when they do, it may not be the place you wished for them. And that’s ok.
So why do they do such horrific, embarrassing and often self-destructive things if they’re here to show us where we need to change and how to behave?
Because as children, they are not even aware of this soul purpose…of course theyr’re not! They are doing whatever they can to survive a system that has made them feel worthless, and trying to forge an independent sense of self that’s as far away from what rejected and hurt them in the first place. It’s our awareness of their pain being the driving force of these behaviors that will effect the change that is necessary! As parents, if we advocate for our children and create a safe and loving environment where they can build a healthy sense of self, even if it’s different than others, then we become the role models that others will want to follow…and a healing haven for our children.
I do try so hard to accept and love my kids unconditionally but they still don’t trust me or accept my efforts to help them.
Kids will feel their parents’ energy at their deepest core. They will know intrinsically if you are not authentically accepting of who they are. As parents we must really go deep and do the work of letting go of our own egos and expectations. In a way we must mourn a loss of how we expected things to turn out…at least temporarily. We must actively do exercises in looking for and seeing the positives and good within your children and keep your focus there as much as possible. If you’re in public and shame creeps in, give your kid a big hug out of the blue. That action will kill the shame because you will be showing the world THE CORRECT way to be with your kids.
So you’re saying it should just be a free for all? There should be no rules, boundaries, or discipline at all?
Absolutely not. Part of being a loving supportive parent is setting boundaries. But it should always be about safety first, and ‘religious’ things last. As a parent you will recognize what works with your child and what his or her triggers are. Pick your battles carefully. The most important thing is to not add more shame to their already low sense of self, especially around religious restrictions. At a certain age they will do what they want and dress how they want regardless of what you say or do, so you may as well maintain your relationships with them so they don’t have to sneak behind your back. That’s where the danger really lies. If they feel safe with you you can guide them gently especially with things regarding their safety and well-being. When it comes to the things that really don’t matter (like a boy wanting to wear jeans or a girl not wanting to wear socks, simply say, “I trust you to make these choices for yourself.” Even if it means they will “get in trouble” at school. Because clearly that school is not the right fit for them.
I just don’t get it. When I was a kid we knew better. The rules were the rules. We would never disrespect our parents like this!
You are correct, and if you haven’t noticed, it’s a totally different world, and a much different time. We are clearly coming close to the end of the way things were and entering into the new age of Moshiach consciousness. Lot’s of things seems to be breaking down, changing and getting shook to the core…including our little culture bubbles. This is not by accident, and like I mentioned above, I truly believe that we as the parents, and our kids who are going through their own difficult experiences, are the special souls being brought down to do the hard work to shake things up, break things down, and rebuild with light, love, unity, and acceptance.
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